How I’m trying to change the world

So far I’ve shared with you the story of my awakening and the transformational process which followed.  In this post I’m just going to briefly share with you the causes I support and the little bit that I do to try and make a difference to the world.

My main reason for running this site and Facebook page and writing my blog is to promote empathy and equality and help others to find inner peace. I believe in equality for all regardless of age, gender, race, sexuality or species and I think the way to achieve this is through increased empathy and compassion for others. Empathy and compassion increase in people who are content within themselves and are in touch with their authentic selves, having healed their emotional baggage. The flip side of empathy and compassion are injustice and abuse, and I do my best through my internet communication to promote the former and counteract the latter.

I am particularly concerned about the way humans exploit animals and as such, I’m an avid vegetarian. I’m slowly heading towards veganism – which isn’t easy as I’m also gluten free – and try to have two days a week when I only consume vegan products.

I also support an animal sanctuary with regular monthly donations. I decided that I wanted to give my support to an animal charity but didn’t just want to give money to one of the ‘giants’ – I wanted to support a specific cause and to see what happened to that money. Last year I visited the Animal Sanctuary in Wilmslow and was really bowled over by the warmth and compassion I felt as we were shown round. The animals are so well cared for and all the staff clearly love what they do. I also like their ethos -  the sanctuary is part of the Humane Education Society,  a charitable organisation working for a more compassionate society through education and practical work with children and animals, and as such offers permanent and temporary homes to animals in need of some loving care, including cats, horses, hens, rabbits, ferrets and pigs.

However, probably the biggest way I’m currently doing my bit to change the world is through my work with young people. I decided to offer Empathic Guidance sessions to schoolchildren after discussions with my daughter and her friends about many of the usual issues which affect young people such as bullying, body image and sexuality. The support and guidance which I gave them seemed to make a huge difference to their self-esteem and what I found particularly heartening was the fact that the coping techniques which they learned soon became second nature to them. This resulted in a positive increase in their intrinsic self-worth and in their ability to deal with difficult situations and ultimately (and delightfully),  in significantly happier children.

I strongly believe that it really doesn’t matter how gifted and talented or academically successful someone is – if their emotional well-being has been eroded and consequently their  core sense of self is significantly diminished then chances are they’ll end up leading dysfunctional lives. I also feel that the emotional well-being of our young people isn’t given enough attention within our current educational system, so I thought it might be a positive contribution to our society to offer a service which might redress the balance a little.

A school Empathic Guidance session offers support, insight and guidance to the pupils  and is  a safe place for them to share any issues which they feel they cannot discuss with parents, teachers or peers. I began a year ago working on a one-to-one basis but am now working with Panda, the school’s youth worker, on group workshops covering topics such as assertiveness and confidence-building.

My dream is that Empathic Guidance will prove popular enough for us to offer sessions and workshops to other schools and that eventually emotional well-being will be recognised as an important part of our children’s upbringing and education.

Finally, like the famous Gandhi saying, I do believe that we should ‘be the change we want to see in the world’. So as well as the above, I do my best to be pleasant, amiable and polite to everyone I meet during the course of the day – little things like saying please and thank you  and hello and goodbye to people who serve you in shops, leaving tips in cafes, holding doors open for people can make a huge difference and hopefully has a ripple effect, so that the recipient of the amiable and courteous treatment will then treat the next person they encounter in the same way. It’s a really simple way of ‘spreading the joy’ and making a difference.

So that’s a little bit about me and what I do – how are you doing your bit to try and make a positive difference to our world? Do please share in the comments below – no effort is too small and I’d love to hear about what you do.

Kobi – a lesson in acceptance and unconditional love

Kobi and Me

By Carolyn G Miller

Kobi was an Irish Setter puppy who belonged to my roommate Helga, and he was a holy terror. From the day he moved in, he began destroying everything he could get his paws and jaws on, every time he was left alone in the apartment. We’d come home after a day’s work to find curtains ripped off  windows; potted plants lying smashed on the floor; furniture gutted; and books and items of clothing chewed almost beyond recognition.

Helga, of course, felt terrible about inflicting this hellhound on me, but she loved the puppy to distraction, and couldn’t bear to give him away. Being an animal lover myself, I couldn’t help but sympathize. Anyway, we comforted ourselves, the problem was only temporary. It would soon stop as soon as she was able to train Kobi not to do these terrible things.

Helga assembled an impressive array of books on dog training, each of which guaranteed a well-behaved pet if one would only follow its recommended procedure religiously. No one could have been more conscientious than Helga, yet one technique after another failed. Kobi simply developed still more ingenious techniques for opening doors, getting into sealed garbage cans, and detaching breakable items from high shelves.

When Helga had to leave town for a week, I was left to carry on alone. The current technique hinged upon whipping the dog lightly with his leash for five minutes – no more, no less – in the presence of the mess he had made. The strokes were to be only symbolic taps. It was the duration of the punishment that was supposed to do the trick. I faithfully promised Helga to carry on in her absence.

I came in from a party late in the evening of the day she left, and there was that demon dog standing defiantly amid the wreckage as usual. My pleasant mood evaporated instantly. Dutifully I got out the leash, informed Kobi that he was a ‘bad dog’ and sat down on the floor to begin the whipping. Kobi just lay there beside me, submitting to this indignity with a sigh of resignation.

All I can tell you is that at some point in the five-minute process, I was simply overcome with shame and self-disgust. There was no getting around the fact that I had never liked Kobi – there wasn’t much to like as far as I could see. The quality of my life had deteriorated precipitously since he’d moved in. Still, it was pretty pathetic carrying a grudge against an animal. And now here I was whipping a dog who was obviously too stupid to learn to behave better.

Now, I knew I wasn’t hurting Kobi physically, but the whole thing just seemed so degrading! Ever since Kobi had come into our lives, he’d been doing mean things to us and we’d been doing mean things to him. He was still little more than puppy, yet his life had become variations on the themes of rejection and punishment!

And then it occurred to me that Kobi wasn’t going to change. It was time to face the fact that this was who Kobi was, and that as long as he lived in our apartment, this was wheat we could expect. Since I knew that Helga could not bear to give him up, and since I wanted to continue having her as a roommate, I was going to have to live with the problem too. So far as all of that was concerned, there was nothing I could do that I was willing to do.

But there was one thing I could change, I realised. I could change my attitude. I looked down at this miserable sinner of a dog, and felt my heart open up to him. Poor jerk – too stupid to learn not to chew things up – too stupid to avoid these tiresome punishements that punished Helga and me as much as they did him! I actually found myself weeping with compassion for this pathetic canine moron. I was unutterably ashamed of myself for having added to his misery.

I threw aside the leash and dragged Kobi’s huge bony head into my lap, sobbing out an apology I knew very well he couldn’t understand. “Kobi, I am so ashamed of the way I’ve treated you. You can’t help being the way you are, and if Helga and I aren’t going to give you away, we’re just going to have to accept you. Please forgive me for hitting you, and yelling at you, and hating you. I promise I’ll never do it again!”

By now the dog was alert, gazing into my eyes with real interest. “From now on, Kobi,” I continued “you just do any damn thing you want and I’ll deal with it. Tear the place up if you have to! I’m through trying to change you. I’m just going to try to learn to like you. And I’ll see if I can get Helga to give up on all this dog training stuff, too. We can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do when we aren’t here to control you. Not without hurting you a lot more than we’d be willing to do. So let’s just be friends, okay?”

Kobi panted up at me with that wide, clueless Irish Setter grin and I had to duck out of the way of a wet kiss. Following this exchange of civilities, I tidied up the mess – complimenting Kobi on the extremely thorough job he’d done on the wastebaskets – and took him out for a late run. In the morning when it was time for me to leave for work, Kobi walked me to the door as usual. “Okay, kiddo!” I said, giving him an affectionate ear ruffle. “Have at it! You might want to start with the sofa today. I think there might still be a little stuffing left in that middle cushion. See you later.”

When I climbed the stairs that evening it was with a sense of relief that I no longer had to upset myself about the mess Kobi would have made in my absence. But my front door opened on a very unfamiliar scene. There was Kobi standing in the middle of a perfectly clean, intact room. His head was up, and his tail was wagging. He looked me proudly in the eye and grinned. I burst into tears.

This “dog from hell” whose intelligence I had so often maligned, had responded to my friendly overture with one of his own. I suddenly realised that he had understood me very well the night before. His destructive behaviour had been his way of paying Helga and me back for withholding our love. We withheld love as a punishment to get him to stop destroying our stuff and he punished us for withholding it by destroying even more of our stuff. The problem wasn’t that Kobi was too stupid to understand what we wanted. He had always known exactly what we wanted him to do – he just wasn’t going to do it until we gave him what he wanted! Unconditional love.

I am happy to report that in the rest of the time Helga and I shared the apartment, Kobi was a model of canine decorum. It may seem strange that the change I had tried to extort from Kobi by force was given to me as a gift once I decided to accept him without conditions. But then, isn’t that the way it works? Even animals know better than to settle for conditional love.

Soulmates: Following Inner Guidance to the Relationship of Your Dreamsby Carolyn G Miller

How to live with an Empath (hint: mini-golf NOT essential)

Recently some lovely people kindly recommended some of my articles on StumbleUpon which has been great news for my viewing figures, so many thanks, whoever you are Anyway, this prompted me to check out other ‘empath’ articles recommended on StumbleUpon and in doing so, I found the article about living with an empath which I’ve reproduced below. I thought it was quite a sweet little piece so I forwarded the link to my partner, Lawrence… and thought no more about it until later that day when he sat beside me on the sofa, took hold of my hands, looked into my eyes and said ‘Don’t make any plans for Saturday, I’ve made us an appointment.’ ‘Ooh really?’ I said, intrigued.’What are we going to do?’ ‘Mini-golf…’

Anyway, all joking aside, this is a great article for those of you who share your life with an empath (though do bear in mind that if you offer to take your empath for a game of mini-golf you may receive a less than empathic response). And check out StumbleUpon for lots more links to a huge variety of interesting articles.

How to live with an Empath

by Lauralyn Harter

Empaths aren’t always the easiest to live with but are such loving, caring and wonderful people you just can’t help but fall in love with them. Here are some tips for you so you feel the support you need.

1) Be loyal. Loyalty is important to empaths because they often feel misunderstood or under attack. Even if it’s not a literal attack, it’s an attack of energy around them. Standing up for them if someone calls them extra sensitive means the world to them. If others say your partner is too sensitive tell them that your partner has a gift and it’s an amazing one at that.

2) Be patient. There may be times when you feel you just can’t deal with your partner’s sensitivities if they picked up some nasty energy during the day that now needs to be cleared. Never take a change in moods personally. You know it’s not them, it’s the energy they picked up.

3) Give them time and space to clear. Your partner may need time alone to clear the energy. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you or want to be there with you. It’s just something they need to do to feel themselves again, the person that you love.

4) Empaths can take life way too seriously. Help them lighten up and have fun. Take them to playful places like Disneyland or mini golf. Empaths are so much fun when they’re surrounded by joyful, happy energy!

5) Dote on their specialness. Empaths tend to feel alone and like no one understands what they go through. A simple trip to a busy mall can leave them feeling wired, overwhelmed and can even lead to an anxiety attack. Sometimes they wish they were “normal” and weren’t so super sensitive. Let them know how special you feel their sensitivity is. Share with them how it’s helped you.

6) Recognize their strengths and support what they need to feel strong. Encourage them to follow their heart and trust their feelings. Ask them what they feel about a situation. Empaths love this! Encourage them to take good care of themselves.

7) Be a good friend and listener. Empaths need to vent and self-express. If you lose interest in what they’re saying they may react overly upset. Surprised? They’re sensitive! Be honest with them if you’re too distracted to listen. They respect honesty but don’t like feeling neglected or ignored. After all, it’s not like they can ignore anything around them when they’re actually feeling it!

8 ) Set realistic expectations. If you live with an empath, be prepared for them to be sensitive to loud noises so sports games can irritate their sensitive ears. Don’t expect them to watch action or horror films unless you want to totally traumatize them. Don’t pressure them to go to places where there’s a lot of energy, like stadiums, arenas or big malls if they’re not feeling up to it. It can feel too overwhelming and actually affect their sensitive nervous system.

9) Do plan fun one-on-one time. Romantic vacations with gentle, relaxing activities are great for empaths as they love spending one-on-one time with you, away from the other distracting energies. Small gatherings with friends and family are also ideal.

10) There are many benefits to living with an empath. You will receive their undivided attention. They will be sensitive to your needs and your stresses. They can be really understanding and supportive. They are very loving and loyal. And you won’t need to explain too much when something is bothering you – trust me, they’ll feel your pain!

Burnout Pt.3: Prevention and Cure

In the final part of our series on burnout, we explore some of the methods you can employ if you have recognised yourself in parts one and two, and feel that you may be suffering from this syndrome.

In order to recover from burnout, it’s important for you to commit fully to healing. There is no instant cure and you need to be aware that the healing process will take some time, depending on how far down the burnout path you’ve travelled. Clearly, the sooner you are able to spot these symptoms developing, the sooner you can turn your life and your general wellbeing around.

Be selfish!

This is the first and possibly the most important message to take on board if you are suffering from burnout. A good analogy is the advice given to parents during air travel, to put the oxygen mask on themselves first in an emergency so that they are then in the best position to help their child. In the same way, it’s vital for you to realise that you will not be fit to take care of anyone unless you first take care of yourself. So until you have recovered, it’s time to put you first for a change, beginning with your physical wellbeing.

Rest

In our busy and stressful society, so many of us believe it’s acceptable to operate on five or six hours sleep. However, if you are showing early signs of burnout, then it’s important to commit to getting a minimum of eight hours sleep a night and preferably at least 10. Going to bed early may feel like a drag, but is surely preferable to the alternative of running yourself so far into the ground that you’re unable to get out of bed at all.

Relaxation

Though it’s healthy to spend some of your leisure time enjoying your hobbies and pastimes, it’s also vital that you make time to practise specific relaxation techniques, such as meditation. Meditation doesn’t have to be complicated – try this simple breathing exercise. Take long slow breaths in and out, focusing solely on your breathing and saying silently to yourself  ‘in-two-three-four’ on the in breath, and ‘out-two-three-four’ on the out breath.

You could also try this simple relaxation exercise. Work your way down your body from head to toe, focussing on each body part. Tense that part for a few seconds, then release all the tension until it is completely relaxed, before moving onto the next part. You’ll probably be surprised at how much tension you’re already holding in your body.

Complementary therapies can also be very effective – I’ve found reflexology and reiki to be particularly beneficial. Massage of any kind, be it Indian Head massage, Swedish massage or aromatherapy with oils is also a wonderful way to relax and will help release any knots in those tense muscles.

Nourishment

When we’re heading towards burnout, we often find our diet suffers as we snack on fast foods or overdo the stimulants in an attempt to boost our energy levels. However our body is crying out for nourishment, so the best thing you can do for yourself is to give in to its demands. The best nutrition you can give your body at this time is vegetables, protein and unprocessed foods, as well as fibrous foods and healthy carbohydrates such as jacket potatoes, wholemeal bread and pasta and brown rice. Warm foods such as nutritious soups and stews are ideal in the winter months and salads are great for the summer.

You can also supplement your diet with a select range of vitamins and minerals. Particularly good ones are: multivitamins, B vitamins (especially B12), vitamin C, vitamin D, magnesium, calcium and zinc. Omega 3, co-enzymes and amino acids such as lysine are also good and a DHEA supplement (DHEA is a hormone produced by the adrenal glands) can also be beneficial. However, if you take prescribed medication, do consult your doctor first before taking any of these supplements.

As well as considering what we do ingest, it’s also worth being more vigilant about what we don’t. Sugar, salt and fats should be limited, and it’s best to avoid caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and recreational drugs whilst suffering from burnout.

Exercise

As mentioned in part two, too much exercise can be counterproductive, particularly if you’re already on the path to burnout. The key is gentle exercise – a short walk everyday or a few light chores would be more than adequate at this stage, beginning with maybe five minutes a day and increasing the time as your energy levels rise.

Back to nature

You can of course combine this with your daily exercise, particularly if you live in a rural area – a walk outside every day will do you the power of good. Alternatively, if you live or work in a more urban setting, a lunchtime stroll through a park can be just as effective.

Being out in the sunshine also helps, though I am aware that we don’t see much of that in the UK! However the best time of day to be outdoors in the colder months is still around midday, so that lunchtime stroll is well worth the effort.

Another positive thing you can do for yourself is to take a break in nature – perhaps an afternoon in the countryside or by the sea, relaxing in the natural world away from the hurly burly of modern life.

Time Management

Burnt out people often have way too much on their plate, so basic time management skills can really make a difference in your life. You could try: making lists to organise your time more effectively; delegating, by passing on some of your tasks to others (too many burnt out people are perfectionists who erroneously believe that no-one else can manage to do the job quite as effectively as they can); and taking regular breaks, e.g. for every hour of work, take a 10-15 minute break.

Eliminate EMFs

As mentioned in part two, and in particular for highly sensitive people, EMFS (as well as other forms of geopathic stress) can be a huge issue when it comes to burn out. If you feel these are affecting your health, try some of the following: turn off and unplug appliances when not in use; minimise computer and mobile phone usage; switch to an analogue phone (cordless ones are available); and if you live near mobile phone masts or pylons, consider moving if at all possible. (You can read more about this and about the effects of geopathic stress in the book You Can Heal Yourself: Bio-Energy and the Power of Self-Healing by Seka Nikolic.)

Find support

As we saw in part two, negative relationships of any kind can contribute to burnout. Shun those energy vampires and naysayers and spend some time with positive and supportive people who appreciate you. It can be tempting to withdraw from others when you’re burnt out, and whilst time spent alone can be beneficial (see my article on solitude), when you’re feeling low, you can easily lose perspective and become overly critical of yourself. Sharing a cuppa with a true friend can help you bring much needed clarity and levity into your life.

Dump your baggage

Whether it’s emotional, psychological, mental or physical baggage, clearing out the stuff in your life which is holding you back and dragging you down is always a positive move and extremely revitalising. For more on this, check out my articles on de-cluttering here and learn how to let go of those unwanted elements which belong firmly in the past.

Personal Development

Burning out can be the precursor to a time of positive transformation in our lives. One of the ways that we can facilitate this is by focussing on our personal development and learning new, more functional ways of being. Perhaps a lack of assertiveness has been an issue for you or maybe you’ve struggled with low self esteem. Take the time to explore who you really are and find out what you need to grow and transform yourself in a positive way. Reading through some of the entries in this blog could be a good place to start and there are many other resources similar to this which can be found across the internet and in libraries.

Learn the lesson

Finally, as I mentioned in part two, look for the lesson which your burnout is trying to teach you. Regaining your physical wellbeing, freeing yourself of your baggage, discovering your authentic self through personal development work and making the most of your supportive friends are all positive steps towards transforming your life by clearing the way for the voice of your intuition. By listening to this voice we can find out what it is our soul really needs and make our way back to our true path and our life purpose.

 

I hope this brief overview of burnout has been useful to you. If you feel you are suffering from burnout or possibly heading that way, or simply want some guidance on your personal development and finding your authentic self and your life purpose, then please contact me via the main website and book yourself an Empathic Guidance session for a one-to-one consultation with me.

Burnout Pt.2: The Causes – and why it may be a blessing in disguise

In part one, I described some of the many symptoms of burnout. In the second part of this article, I look at why burnout is not necessarily a bad thing and list some of the causes of this increasingly common syndrome.

Firstly, however, we will briefly discuss the possible physical cause of burnout. It is usually attributed to a malfunction of the autonomic nervous system and the adrenal glands. The autonomic nervous system is a combination of nerves, connections and glands which works in conjunction with practically every other system in our body. All of our body’s regular activities are performed by this system, such as breathing, digestion and so on, and it is this system which acts as the body’s thermostat,  ensuring that it adapts accordingly to external forces – for example, adjusting your breathing and heart rate if you walk up a hill.

Your body can also interpret your external environment using the five senses – sight, sound etc. These perceptions are then transmitted through the brain, which ensures that the appropriate response is activated by the nervous system.

Problems begin when the part of the brain which controls the ‘fight or flight’ stress mechanism starts firing at an abnormally high rate. This can occur when we overanalyse potential danger and perceive threats where in fact there are none, or suffer stressful events which feel like danger because they threaten our sense of self or wellbeing. The adrenal glands begin releasing hormones such as cortisol to deal with the stress, but if this stress is overwhelming then too many of these hormones are produced, swamping the nervous system. This results in autonomic overload, as well as depleting the adrenals, leading to adrenal burnout – and resulting, ultimately, in the symptoms described in part one. (You can read more about this in Coping with a Stressed Nervous System by Dr Kenneth Hambly and Alice Muir.)

Of course, if you are a HSP (highly sensitive person) or an empath, then you will have been born with a nervous system which is already hypersensitive to external stimuli, making you more susceptible to burnout than others with a less sensitive system. This is why HSPs and empaths need to practise self-care a good deal more diligently than most. However, even if you were not born with a sensitive nervous system, you may find yourself becoming increasingly sensitised if you have had a particularly stressful or traumatic life.

As we have seen from the symptoms, burnout can be extremely distressing. However surprisingly, there is a positive aspect to burnout. It can be viewed as a transformative event in our lives – a turning point, a wake-up call and a cry from the soul. Somewhere deep within the heart of us, the barely discernible voice of our intuition is trying to inform us of what our soul really needs and put us in touch with our authentic self. If we listen to this voice then we can transform our lives immeasurably – but if we fail to heed the warning, then the outcome could potentially be fatal. (Viewed in this more positive way, it is also then no coincidence that the symptoms of burnout are so reminiscent of the symptoms of awakening.)

Dr Dina Glouberman talks about this in more detail in her book, The Joy of Burnout: How the End of the World Can Be a New Beginning:

The area in which we eventually burn out, whether at work, with our children or parents, in an intimate partnership, in a social or political group or elsewhere, has two defining characteristics. It is where:

* We invest our creativity, our passion, our heart and/or our ability to contribute.

* We earn a sense of identity, value, belonging, purpose and/or meaning.

As long as the situation we are devoted to is working and our contribution is effective, appreciated or rewarded, we remain wholehearted. Our energy is high and vibrant and our life probably seems positive and successful both to others and to ourselves. But if anything upsets this picture, we become candidates for burnout.

At some point, something changes either in us or in our situation or in the relationship between the two. Our heart goes out of our situation. There is a dawning awareness, often hardly conscious, that there must be another way, that it can’t be right to continue as we are.

Some of us listen to this feeling and make significant changes in our lives – a new job, a new relationship, or a new approach to our old job or relationship. In this way, we stop ourselves from continuing on the burnout trail.

But those of us who keep going, denying everything that contradicts the path we are on, are likely to head for a major burnout. Driven by fear of losing what we had rather than positive intention, we are no longer in a flow with ourselves or with our lives. We cut off from our bodies, our feelings, sometimes our friends and family. We become divided against ourselves. Our head, heart and soul are not in alignment. We operate like a car with the accelerator and the brake working at the same time and the tank down to empty.

 

So what kind of scenarios, experiences, traits and behaviours can lead to burnout? Here are some examples:

Trauma

If you suffer from one or more traumas in your life, then you are increasingly at risk of burnout. Initially we can feel that we have handled the trauma well, but find ourselves burning out further down the line when our life seems to have settled down again, as the effects on our nervous system catch up with us.

 

The ‘drip-drip-drip’ effect

Often it is not one major trauma but a series of minor stresses, disappointments and frustrations which can slowly drive us to burnout. Several years ago, I moved house and for six months, found myself plagued with petty problems which involved me making numerous phone calls to a variety of call centres. Anyone who has ever had to ring one of these places will know how frustrating it can be, particularly when the issue you are trying to resolve requires you to call back again and again and again, due to the company’s incompetence. If you’re a sensitive, you probably also know how difficult it can be to make these calls, particularly when you’re already under stress. Needless to say, after six months of dealing with this on almost a daily basis, I was on the verge of complete burnout.

 

Lifestyle

If your lifestyle leads you to neglect your self-care, and you’re not getting enough sleep, not eating or exercising properly and are using stimulants to keep yourself going, then you’re going to be much less able to cope with the issues life throws at you. Living a fast-paced, high-stress and/or fear-based lifestyle is also a sure recipe for burnout. You can also burn out from too much exercise – after a very stressful period resulting in several warning signs such as fatigue, weight gain and emotional problems, Louise embarked on an intensive training regime to try and boost her health. Unfortunately this was the last straw as far as her body was concerned, and the excessive exertion hastened Louise’s decline into severe burnout.

 

Work issues

Overworking and perfectionism, or alternatively job dissatisfaction and lack of challenge can ultimately lead to burnout symptoms. Everyone has heard of the phenomenon of the business man who, when he finally takes a holiday, immediately falls ill. And working day after day in a job which fails to challenge you in anyway is simply soul destroying. Our society is increasingly economically focussed, and sadly this seems to be at the expense of our wellbeing. If you don’t have a sensible work-rest balance or if you are doing a job you hate simply for the money, then you’re a high-risk candidate for burnout.

 

Feeling unappreciated or unrecognised for your efforts

This can be in any relationship, whether business or personal. Joanne is a busy mum of four, who also runs her own business and is studying at college. Already finding herself feeling increasingly tearful, she finally broke down when faced with her teenage daughters’ filthy bedroom. Her frustration and disappointment at the constant lack of respect and appreciation shown by her family for her efforts at keeping the home and family life running smoothly became too overwhelming and Joanne was in great danger of burning out.

 

Lack of social support

Even when we lead busy lives and are constantly surrounded by people, we can feel unsupported and isolated. On the path to burnout, it can feel as if no-one understands us, has time for us or truly cares for our wellbeing.

 

Negative relationships

Nothing will drain your energy more than being around negative people. Abusive and/or violent people, energy vampires, people who are critical or contemptuous towards you, or people who constantly fight or bicker with you are the kind of people who will slowly but surely drive you towards burnout.

 

Lack of confidence

If you lack confidence in yourself, then you will find most situations outside of your usual comfort zone difficult. Being crippled with self-consciousness makes events which would be a breeze for most people a total nightmare. Some people are born with this lack of confidence but others lose their self-confidence later in life, perhaps due to a difficult experience or a health problem.

 

Lack of assertiveness

At work and in your relationships, a lack of assertiveness can create difficult situations for you, as you fail to communicate to others your wishes and needs. Constantly sacrificing your own needs and being unable to say no to the needs of others will inevitably lead to feelings of disappointment and frustration, and to feeling unappreciated and unrecognised, the forerunners of burnout.

 

Unhealthy responses to stress

If you have ineffective coping strategies, you will be more prone to burnout, for example if you have a tendency to worry, get angry or anxious, or if you try and avoid potentially stressful situations.

 

Unhealthy attitudes and thinking habits

The way you think about life, people and the world in general can affect how likely you are to burn out. Are you overly hostile, aggressive, or suspicious? Are you pessimistic, withdrawn, or negative? Or perhaps you have too high expectations, of yourself and of others. All these attitudes are liable to increase your chances of becoming overloaded.

 

Unresolved emotional issues

To prevent yourself suffering from burnout due to accumulated emotional baggage which, as we have seen, can make your nervous system hypersensitive, it’s important to spend some time dealing with this and resolving any remaining issues you may have from the past. Living constantly with feelings of rage, bitterness, resentment, hatred and fear will in time almost certainly result in chronic burnout.

 

People who give too much

This is particularly an issue for empaths and others who work in caring professions or roles, particularly if part of the reason for us giving is the need for appreciation. We can find ourselves becoming over emotionally invested in people – friends, family or clients – which can lead to disappointment when the person fails to appreciate our efforts or respond to our help in what we feel is an appropriate way. We can also find ourselves suffering from ‘compassion fatigue’  if we are working regularly with traumatised clients or are spending time with anyone suffering from trauma, be it physical or emotional.

 

These, then, are just some of the ways in which burnout can creep up upon us. If we are willing to take the time to heal, however, we can turn our experience into a positive one by using it to increase our knowledge of our inner selves and find the way to our true path. In part three, we’ll look at how we can heal ourselves when suffering from burnout and explore how we can prevent it from happening to us now or in the future.

What’s your parenting style?

As a parent myself, I’m very interested in the psychology of parenting. I read about the four parenting styles some years ago in The Guardian and was pleased to recognise my own style as the one described as ‘authoritative’.  Unfortunately, I feel many parents fall under the category of ”indulgent’ (also known as ‘permissive’) which is why programmes such as ‘Supernanny’ have become so popular, and why there increasingly seems to be an ‘anti-child’ backlash in this country.  People enjoying a meal out or an evening in the pub simply do not want to be disturbed by someone else’s ‘little darling’ running riot whilst Mummy and Daddy turn a blind eye.

It does take a bit of effort to teach basic good manners and acceptable social behaviour to your child  – you have to be prepared to be firm and consistent,  but in  an assertive rather than an aggressive way – but the rewards  for your child, you and the rest of society are well worth it as it makes life easier and much more  harmonious all round. A few months ago, I had a phone call from my daughter’s school from a teacher who was so impressed with Phoebe’s manners when encountering her in the school office, she actually felt impelled to ring me and compliment me on such a beautifully behaved child. Whilst I felt immensely proud of my child, I also felt sad that such behaviour is evidently so rare these days that when it occurs, people feel prompted to comment on it. Perhaps if more parents subscribed to the ‘authoritative’ parenting style (also known as ‘balanced parenting’), our children would begin to receive the appreciation in our society that they deserve  – and our world would be a much more serene and joyous place.

The article below is just a brief introduction to the subject – if you are interested in finding out more,  google ‘parenting styles’ and you’ll find lots more information across the web.

The Four Parenting Styles

By Stan Tian

Since the 1800s, parenting styles have changed dramatically. We no longer believe that children should be ‘seen and not heard’ and disallow any immature behavior in the company of other adults. Yet from family to family, parenting styles still differ greatly and psychologists have identified that parenting usually follows one of four main styles.

That slightly old fashioned way of parenting still goes on today, under the name ‘Authoritarian Parenting’. Authoritarian parents tend to give orders to their children and expect them to obey without asking why it is necessary. There is little communication with the child regarding rules, and when a rule isn’t obeyed the form of punishment is usually physical or taking something away, rather than talking the child through why what they did was wrong. Authoritarian parenting has, however, been shown to be detrimental to a child’s esteem and emotional management techniques. While they do well at school, children who have been brought up this way tend to give up quickly when they perceive a problem as difficult, and get very frustrated with authority during adolescence. This has only been discovered by psychologists over the past century, which is possibly why other parenting techniques continue to become more popular.

One such technique is perhaps the exact opposite of authoritarian parenting and it is known as ‘Indulgent’. These parents interact with their children closely, provide explanations and support, but also don’t make any demands of them or set any boundaries. While this might appear to make for a happy child, as opposed to authoritarian children who are unhappy, this is not necessarily the case. These children often feel they are responsible for things that their parents should be and as a result they feel unsafe and vulnerable. They generally grow up to be quite independent, but are more likely to get involved in drugs and crime, are impulsive and put little importance on academic achievement.

Indulgent parenting usually comes as a result of wanting a child to love them so much they don’t risk upsetting them with rules. For parents who don’t care what their children feel about them, neglectful parenting often occurs. This style doesn’t necessarily mean children are not cared for; often they have everything that they need and even some luxuries, but little interaction with the parents and very little emotional support. This obviously has an effect into adulthood, including difficulties with social interaction, low confidence, immaturity and a higher chance of developing mood disorders.

While none of the parenting styles that we’ve seen so far involve abuse and they do have merits, often the negatives far outweigh the positives in terms of what is best for the child. Don’t despair, the Authoritative Parenting style offers benefits for both the child and the parent without any negatives at all. Authoritative parents set generous boundaries for their children, but when they do so they explain exactly why those boundaries are there. They also encourage their child to achieve, supporting them all the way and ensuring them that if they fail they will be disappointed, but not angry and next time to ‘try harder’. The premises with authoritative parenting are simple; communicate with the child about your rules, let them have a defined level of freedom and when they disobey talk to them about why you are angry rather than giving unexplained punishment. Children of authoritative parents usually grow up focused on their own achievements, whilst coping very well with pressure and having a happy disposition.

http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/10692/1/The-Four-Parenting-Styles.html

Is it love or is it projection?

Back in June, I wrote an article about dreams in which I briefly touched on Jung’s theory of the animus/anima. I mentioned that I would return to this topic in more depth in the future as I feel that an awareness of how the animus/anima affects our relationship choices is empowering.

After making a few disastrous choices myself on the relationship front some years ago,  I elected to spend some time being single to give myself the opportunity to get to know and value myself. During that time, I sketched out a  rough draft for a novel which explored the theme of the animus and how it impacts women’s relationships. The story initially appears to be a simple love story – the female protagonist meets  a man early on in the book and through their relationship she learns many truths about herself which she had previously denied, consciously and unconsciously. Eventually however, the woman reaches a point in her self-awareness and personal development where she recognises that she no longer needs to be with a man as she already has everything she needs psychologically within herself. It is at this point  – when the woman’s desire for the man is no longer steeped in immature need – that the couple finally make love; and it is at this point that the reader realises that he was actually an element of her psyche made real, for as he enters her body he literally vanishes. The woman has taken her projection of the animus back and incorporated it into herself. (I also toyed with the idea of the woman then giving birth to herself at the very end of the book but thought that might be a symbolic metaphor too far…)

Learning about the animus/anima – and incorporating that with dreamwork and counselling – helped me learn a lot about myself and paved the way for the positive relationship I am in today. The article below explains some more about this concept – if , after reading this, you feel you would benefit from some personal guidance on this matter via an e-mail session with me, then please contact me though my main website www.empathicguidance.co.uk.

IS IT LOVE OR IS IT PROJECTION?

The Anima/Animus Phenomenon

by Rebeca E. Eigen

http://www.shadowdance.com/articles/isitloveorprojection.html

There is something very magical about the experience of “falling in love.” Psychologically it is their feeling function (the water element) that gets activated when two lovers first meet. Emotions burst forth and sparks fly that ignite a passion and an unmistakable bliss. When you are with that person, you are “in heaven,” so to speak. And when you are away from them, you are longing for the next encounter and there is a poignant angst that replaces ordinary consciousness. As the song says, “Suddenly life has new meaning to me,” and they are transported into the realms of the Gods (the archetypes). In our Western culture, our movies provide us plenty of examples of this experience — so much so that we all yearn for it.

We mistakenly call this love, and many find themselves searching for their other half, their “soul mate.” We believe that this is what will complete us and that this magic is what we feel we must have in order for us to truly value another person. As you will see when you understand the nature of the “Anima” and “Animus,” this is only the beginning of an encounter with our unconscious.

It’s interesting that the word “soul” also means psyche. In the psychology of Dr. Carl G. Jung, he explains this phenomenon of projecting our Anima and Animus (the contrasexual soul images in our unconscious) onto each other. The psyche seeks wholeness, and a union of our inner opposites is what Jung called the process of individuation. When projection occurs, this process has begun as these contrasexual images within us are now out in the open. We will learn a lot about ourselves by the people we either extremely love or hate.

Many times we will fall in love and get involved in some very unsuitable, destructive and soul-destroying relationships, but these, too, are showing us aspects of our shadow. In order to grow and be a whole person, we need to become aware of what is really happening to us. When someone is “into us” (as a current book on the market calls it), we need to ask ourselves, is it love or is it just projection? Two people won’t really know until a period of time has given them a chance to see who each other actually is — and this requires self-honesty and self-disclosure.

Jung teaches that there is no other way to see these parts of us, so it’s inevitable that they will be projected. The intoxication and the intensity of the experience are clues that we are into a projection. Ordinary human beings do not evoke the instant passion that “love at first sight” evokes.

The Anima and Animus

A woman carries an image of her male counterpart made up largely of her history with her father, the first male in her life, brothers and any early experiences with men. This inner masculine, the “Animus,” helps her to achieve her goals, gives her greater intellectual clarity, helps her have clearer boundaries and becomes a mediator between her ego and her unconscious. This unconscious inner male is her God (soul) image that gets projected onto a man in the outer world. As inner and outer create a mirroring effect, she will know a lot about what shape her inner partner is in by the person upon whom the projection lands. This can be a real eye-opener if the person is willing or ready to see his or her own shadow.

As I said, the clue to knowing a projection has occurred is the peculiar feeling of intense fascination or obsession with a man whom she will feel is her ideal mate. He, of course, unless he has a huge ego and enjoys the power that he now has over her, will feel as if something sticky and uncomfortable is smothering him. He will make comments to her like “You don’t even know me.” His perception is a correct and valid one. She doesn’t know him at all. She is seeing only a reflection of her shadow or her Animus — as the two can become contaminated with each other.

According to Jung, a man faces a similar dilemma. When a man projects his perfect God (soul) image onto a woman, she becomes the carrier of his “Anima.” His Anima, his inner feminine, can help him get in touch with his feeling nature, his receptivity, his personal relating and nurturing skills and his ability to create. His Anima acts as a muse to bridge the gap between his inner and outer worlds. She animates him from within.

When this happens to both people at the same time, we call this “falling in love.” They definitely fall. They fall into their own unconscious image as each projects part of himself or herself onto the other person (same sex or opposite sex), evoking a feeling of fantasy and Eros. The erotic and sexual nature of the encounter is psychologically quite symbolic. It is each one wanting to merge with or penetrate into themselves. In reality, this is an unconscious, narcissistic impulse and a distortion of reality. If either of them remains stuck in this kind of projection for too long, it can even be a deterrent to any real or authentic, long-term, loving relationship. Its primary importance for both people is that it heralds the beginning of the individuation process.

A very good movie that came out last year that describes projection perfectly is the romantic comedy Alex and Emma with Kate Hudson and Luke Wilson. Another example more recently was in the film called Shall We Dance? In this movie Richard Gere meets Jennifer Lopez, a beautiful dance instructor who has caught his “Anima.” In time — and time is of essence to see what is going on — he is able to see that the reason his inner feminine has been projected is that he is bored and unhappy with himself. Instead of blaming his wife, Susan Sarandon, for this unhappiness, he takes dancing lessons, which help him feel alive again.

Now as time goes on, it is inevitable that these projections are going to fall off. They actually have to so that we can see who the other person actually is and relate to a real person instead of a God or Goddess (a symbiotic extension of oneself). When a relationship reaches that stage of familiarity, many people addicted to this kind of high start looking around outside their primary marriage or partnership if their maturity level is still in the puella or puer aeternus stage of consciousness. This is the archetype of the Peter Pan, an adolescent eternal child, where we want to be mirrored instead of related to the people in our lives. Many relationships end at this stage and the alchemical process begins all over again with someone else. Some go on to marry the person with whom they feel they are in love, and become disillusioned when they realize that they have married a person who is not who they thought they were.

On the other hand, if the two people are committed to their relationship, growing and becoming conscious, when the projections wear off, there is an opportunity that arrives for both people. They can now discover and embrace their missing halves. This is not an easy task as it takes work and often involves a painful encounter with the self. In his book, Mysterium Coniunctionis, Jung says that an experience with the self is always a defeat for the ego but that the death of the ego (the self as you knew it) allows one to be reborn into one’s own wholeness as projections are taken back.

The value of taking back our projections is that we can now see and accept our partners for who they are — not what we wanted them to be; not what we wish they would change into; not for what they can give us; but who they are. The love that can now grow between two partners is profound because it is REAL. Real love, unlike projection, is a willingness to see and support another person to be their own unique, separate self. This will untangle us from seeking in them the perfect parent-mirror image of ourselves, for as long as we are still seeking to be completed by another person, we will not allow them their own autonomy.

As the Rune “Partnership” describes it, two separate and whole beings — equals in the true sense of the word — can help each person feel their own union with the Divine within instead of through projective identification with their partner. As the love between them grows and expands to the entire cosmos, this kind of love gives each partner their freedom — the greatest gift of all. As the duet by Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion professes, LOVE will be the gift you give yourself.

The Meaning of Life (part three)

In part two, I discussed the first step towards finding true meaning in your life, referred to by Frankl as ‘your attitude towards unavoidable suffering’.  If you are able to deal with your past and present negative baggage with a positive attitude, you  will find that the way becomes clear for you to discover what you – as oppose to your parents/peers/partner or society – really value. To illustrate what I mean by this, I’m going to share some of my own story with you.

In the Number Sequence blog, I mention the concept of ‘epiphanies’. The Free Dictionary offers this definition of an epiphany:

A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier).

There have been two significant epiphanies of this type in my life. The first occurred in my mid-twenties when I lost my job (also mentioned in the ‘On Being an Empath’ article) and finally faced up to the fact that the way I was living my life was unsustainable. I was well and truly stuck in the vacuum and it was killing me – my life had no meaning, though this was hardly surprising as I had no idea who I was and what I really wanted. Consequently I decided enough was enough and embarked on the path of personal development which would change my life.

Over the next ten years, I made many momentous discoveries whilst on that path. I acknowledged that a lifestyle based on consumerism wasn’t for me and that working purely for financial gain was akin to selling my soul, prompting me to retrain as a counsellor as I sought out work which would give something back. I reframed negative past events and, after learning the important lessons those experiences had to teach me, was finally able to make peace with them and let them go. I learned a lot about how I related to others including how to be assertive rather than passive or aggressive, and how to establish healthy personal boundaries. I also learned a lot about the real meaning of love through my relationship with my child and I most definitely learned the hard way what I didn’t want from my more intimate relationships. And best of all, as my false self image – created from the distorted reflections of other people – crumbled, I grew to like the person I really was and began to enjoy spending time in my own company. Yet something still seemed to be missing. It was as though I’d stripped my inner self clean of all the baggage and now my authentic self stood there raw and fresh and blinking in the sun, saying ‘well, here I am at last – so what next?’

Fast forward, then, to my mid-thirties. Over the previous decade I’d come a long way and now it felt like the final pieces were clicking into place. However, like running a marathon or climbing Everest, this last stretch was proving to be particularly difficult, not least because I’d ended a relationship with someone who I believed I had a special bond with but who ultimately failed to show me the respect I now knew I deserved. Though I learned some valuable lessons about my own behaviour in intimate relationships which would stand me in good stead for the future, his  betrayal and casual treatment of my finer feelings was still hard to take.

In an attempt to move on, I agreed to go on a long weekend break with a friend. Unfortunately the break was a disaster and I was forced to finally admit to myself something I had tried to deny for years – that this friendship was a little too one-sided for my liking. I’d been hurt and let down by this person several times over the course of our friendship but because I’d known her for so long – and had, at one time, looked up to her – I’d put my misgivings to one side. Now I’d finally reached a point in my personal development where I cared about myself enough to no longer tolerate relationships – be they with partner, friend or family – that were detrimental to my wellbeing. The rationality of this decision, however, belies how difficult it was for me on an emotional and psychological level. I literally felt like my heart was breaking and found myself plummeting into a particularly intense ‘dark night of the soul’.

During the break, I treated myself to a CD copy of Get Behind Me Satan by the White Stripes. I hadn’t really listened to them before but I’d recently seen their Glastonbury set on TV and was really blown away by Jack White’s powerful performance and the way he took command of the stage. The day after we returned, my daughter left to spend the week with her father so I decided to make the most of my free days and enjoy some much needed solitary time. Whilst relaxing, I played my new CD continuously, and the more I listened, the more impressed I was by the way Jack White expressed his feelings so vividly through the music and lyrics. In yet another marvellous piece of synchronicity, the theme of the album reflected perfectly the emotional turbulence I was going through – love, betrayal, grief, anger, all exquisitely and impeccably portrayed. Even the title of the album seemed appropriate in reflecting how I was putting the negative aspects of the past – events, relationships and my own behaviours – behind me, once and for all.  (A bit of research uncovered the fact that prior to making this album, Jack had suffered a relationship break-up and been badly burned by a number of old friends ).

In my early years, creative writing had been a very important part of my life. Even as a child, I spent much of my spare time producing stories and poems but for some reason as an adult I kept closing the door on that intrinsic part of myself. That week, thanks to one man’s work, I rediscovered how powerful creativity could be and I finally realised what was missing and what my authentic self was screaming out for. Expressing my ideas through the written word to help others is simply what I was born to do.

As you can see, then, the second step towards discovering meaning in my life, as described by Frankl, was experiencing something – in my case, experiencing the power of creativity. I was still unsure how I would express this creativity – I initially began by simply pouring out my feelings onto paper then moved on to working on a novel – but further experiences and synchronicities (one of which is described here in the synchronicity blog) ultimately lead me to the final step, referred to by Frankl as “creating a work or doing a deed”. That work is, of course, my Empathic Guidance project which so far includes a website, this blog and an upcoming book.  Since starting this project, I’ve also been fortunate enough to ‘encounter someone’  who  adores the authentic me and who supports and encourages me wholeheartedly in expressing that. It’s taken some time and effort – and a vast amount of soul-searching – but I can safely say that my experience of the existential vacuum is a long way behind me now.

To end this article, we’ll revisit someone I mentioned in part two, Stephen Hawking. His positive attitude towards his suffering, coupled with his sense of purpose and encountering someone who he fell deeply in love with gave his life more meaning than it had ever had before, and for me, this quote sums up much of what I have attempted to express in this article:

“My dreams at that time were rather disturbed. Before my condition had been diagnosed, I had been very bored with life. There had not seemed to be anything worth doing. But shortly after I came out of hospital, I dreamt that I was going to be executed. I suddenly realised that there were a lot of worthwhile things I could do if I were reprieved. Another dream, that I had several times, was that I would sacrifice my life to save others. After all, if I were going to die anyway, it might as well do some good. But I didn’t die. In fact, although there was a cloud hanging over my future, I found, to my surprise, that I was enjoying life in the present more than before. I began to make progress with my research, and I got engaged to a girl called Jane Wilde, whom I had met just about the time my condition was diagnosed. That engagement changed my life. It gave me something to live for.”

A look through the archives…

I’m taking a week’s break, spending time with some much loved old friends, so in the meantime, why not look back through my archives…

The most popular blogs so far have been the chakras.  Here you will find an indepth look at each chakra and why it’s important to keep your energy system in balance.

For more on the mind/body connection and how our thoughts and feelings affect our holistic wellbeing, click here. You will also find the chakra blogs in this section.

If you’re interested in achieving inner and outer simplicity in your life, check out the de-cluttering your life blogs which you can find here.

The synchronicity blogs have also been popular, so if you’d like to learn more about this phenomenon, click here. In this section you will also find blog entries about dreams and the meaning of number sequences.

If you’re having relationship difficulties, then you might want to have a read of the relationship blogs, to learn more about how to have a good relationship or make a current break-up less stressful. You can also read these articles on the main site www.empathicguidance.co.uk – just click on Articles, which you will find in the side menu.

The articles section also features the first part of  ”On being an Empath”, which talks about the difficulties of being highly empathic.

Finally, if you’d like to know more about Empathic Guidance then you can find the information here. If you feel that Empathic Guidance could help you, and would like a one-to-one online session with an empathic guide then check out the Services section on the main site. And if you’d like to know more about me and how I developed Empathic Guidance, click here. Testimonials from satisfied clients can be found here.

I hope you all have a peaceful week and look forward to reconnecting with you all when I return

The Good Relationship Guide (part two)

6. Trust me, I’m your soulmate

In part one I talked about how respect and consideration are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Intrinsic to these cornerstones are the qualities of trust and loyalty. Trust is often talked about as being a key factor in a good relationship and most people tend to think of this as being able to trust that your partner will be faithful to you. However fidelity is just one facet of the kind of trust which is necessary in a good relationship.

Whenever we care about someone, we are giving away some power over our feelings and our wellbeing. It is impossible to love without giving away some of your power (though equally important that that you do not give away all your power, as discussed in part one). When we choose to love someone and share our intimate selves with them we are giving them the power to make us happy and the flipside of that, of course, is that we are also giving them the power to hurt us, or instil anger or fear in us. It is therefore vital that you are able to trust your chosen loved one with your deepest feelings, and trust them not to abuse your love for them. Loyalty to the relationship is also important and again, this does not just mean being monogamous, but that you also see the two of you as a team. You need to be able to trust in your partner to stand by you, to back you up and to not diminish you in front of others.

Of course, trust does not always come easy if it has been severely damaged in the past. Someone who genuinely loves you will understand and respect that and will be happy to work with you to gently build the trust in your relationship. However, if you are the one who is struggling with trust issues, it’s also important to remember that all men/women are NOT the same, and just because your previous lover/s let you down, it does not mean that your current partner inevitably will. If you have followed the advice in part one and are listening to your inner guidance, then you will know in your heart of hearts if this is someone you can trust. However if you continue to lack trust for your partner, with no real evidence for your negative beliefs, then perhaps you need to take a step back and do some more emotional healing work on yourself.

7. Communication

This is the one that all relationship experts bang on about and for good reason. If you can’t communicate with your partner, then what are you actually getting out of the relationship? We’ve all seen those couples in pubs and restaurants who sit there staring into the distance with grim expressions, barely uttering a word to each other. Maybe occasionally one of them will say something, only to get a contemptuous grunt in response. Who in all honesty wants a relationship like that?

As I said in part one, your partner should be your best friend. For instance, when something important happens to you or you hear some significant news, who is the first person you think of to ring? If you are in a good relationship, then it will probably be your partner. Sharing the day-to-day stuff is also important. When you care for someone, then you will quite naturally be interested in their life and will enjoy hearing about their day, sharing amusing anecdotes perhaps or giving them a sounding board to vent any work frustrations. And remember that sense of humour – not all communication needs to be serious and true soulmates love to play, have fun and laugh together.

8. Conflict resolution

Finding a conflict resolution style which suits both of you is crucial to the success of your relationship. If one of you becomes abusive or contemptuous, stonewalls or prefers to blame the other for any problems, then this does not bode well for your relationship in the future. Occasional fights are inevitable in any relationship, but if you learn how to handle them in a mature and just manner, then your intimate connection will reap the rewards.

When Diane and David first got together, David struggled to deal with conflict – his family background meant that he felt threatened by any kind of confrontation, so he would simply say ‘I’m leaving’ and walk away if an issue arose which upset him in any way. He soon realised that this hurt Diane deeply and was counterproductive to their relationship, so he learned to bite the bullet and to stay and discuss any issues between them. In turn, Diane respected the effort David made for the sake of their relationship and ultimately working through this – and other conflicts – brought them closer together.

However, it’s also important to pick your battles. If your partner begins to feel harangued because every move they make seems to be wrong, then your relationship will not last long either. Save up the intense discussions for the issues which you feel could genuinely damage your relationship. For example, if your partner stays up late watching TV once in a while, then it’s not really a big deal. However, if your partner is doing this every night when previously you both went to bed at the same time, then you have every reason to address this and share your concerns with your partner.

And remember, unlike the myth perpetuated by the film ‘Love Story’, love does sometimes mean having to say you’re sorry. If you’ve messed up and you know it, then admit your mistake and apologise. Sometimes an apology is all that’s needed to thaw the cold war between you and allow a more open and healthy discussion of your dilemma to take place.

9. Let’s get physical

The one factor which distinguishes your relationship with your partner from your relationships with everyone else in your life is the physical intimacy you share, so it’s  essential that you fancy each other like mad.  As we already discussed, being best friends with your partner is  important but if your relationship lacks that vital spark – also known as ‘chemistry’ –  then however much you like each other, things will fizzle out pretty quickly.

On the other hand, love-making has been trivialised in our over-sexualised society (sex is portrayed as a selfish act – something you do for a quick buzz, like drugs or alcohol) to the point that many people seem to develop their relationships backwards these days. Rather than spending time building a close friendship first with a potential lover, they leap into bed together only to realise – usually as the passion wanes – that they’re not that keen on this person after all.

Love-making with someone you genuinely love is truly amazing and once you’ve experienced this, then the ‘backwards’ approach to relationships will no longer hold any interest for you. Sharing your whole self with your partner, body and soul, is one of the best gifts you can ever give to them – and it’s a gift which will make both of you feel special and loved.

And of course, physical affection does not need to be restricted to the sexual. Holding hands as you walk down the street, cuddles and kisses as part of your daily communication, a loving touch and a smile as you pass each other in the hallway – this is all love-making too and helps to keep the intimate bond between you strong.

10. Nobody’s perfect

Even your one true love and soulmate will irritate, frustrate, anger or disappoint you sometimes. No-one – no, not even you, dear reader – is perfect. We all have our quirks, flaws and bad habits, we all have differences of opinion in some areas, and we all have bad days where we just feel plain cranky and ready to pick a fight with anyone for no reason at all. If your partner only gets on your nerves about five percent of the time, then you can rest assured that your relationship is normal and healthy and you don’t have much to worry about.

A couple who really care for each other will also probably do what they can to reduce that five percent. If you know that it irritates your partner when you don’t tidy up after yourself when you’ve made a sandwich, then teach yourself a new habit of clearing everything away when you’re done. Your partner will be delighted that you’ve made this effort for them, you’ll be happy that you’ve made them happy and your relationship will benefit enormously from a small effort and simple action on your part.

If you’ve enjoyed this brief overview of a healthy intimate relationship and would like to explore further any of the issues discussed here – perhaps you feel you need some emotional healing or would  like to  do some personal development work, or maybe you have a relationship issue you would like to resolve – then please contact me via www.empathicguidance.co.uk to arrange a one-to-one session online.